While Tony Petitti's office has informed Michigan it's time to assume the position, the Wolverines are trying to fight back, mostly by trying to turn the entire league into a bunch of Spider-Men all pointing at each other. Sign stealing is bad, mmmkay?, but apparently in Ann Arbor they don't realize that it's worse to have someone on your staff who goes around doing it rather than just stealing them in-game like real Americans.

It's silly that the whole thing could go away tomorrow if the NCAA would just allow in-helmet radios but I don't know, the ancient Greeks didn't have them, so why attack the last bastion of amateurism?

Also you just know Connor Stalions is getting a radio show and a book deal out of this.

Elsewhere in the league, the Big Ten West still exists for a few more weeks. I'm not saying it's weak, but after ten weeks of play there is a whopping one bowl-eligible team in the division. That team is Iowa so of course I'm okay with that, but yeeesh, this division is like wet socks in February.

If the lack of bowl-eligible teams doesn't convince you, just take heart in knowing that the only team whose players already know they'll be home for the holidays is the West's own Purdue.

Speaking of staying home, that's what I should have done last week instead of picking games. To wit:

Wisconsin at Indiana: I said Wisconsin 27, Indiana 12; actual score, Indiana 20, Wisconsin 14.

This is one of those wrong predictions that makes me laugh. Indiana stays alive, and so does Tom Allen's slim chance of holding on to his job for 2024.

Penn State at Maryland: I said Penn State 34, Maryland 23; actual score, Penn State 51, Maryland 15.

I forgot "September Maryland" was a thing.

Purdue at Michigan: I said Michigan 48, Purdue 17; actual score, Michigan 41, Purdue 14.

I had a good joke but Jim Harbaugh stole it.

Nebraska at Michigan State: I said Nebraska 33, Michigan State 10; actual score, Michigan State 20, Nebraska 17.

A wise person once cautioned against assuming Matt Rhule could turn Nebraska around in one season, then he went and made this pick anyway.

Illinois at Minnesota: I said Minnesota 20, Illinois 17; actual score, Illinois 27, Minnesota 26.

If you're an Iowa fan and you dislike Bret Bielema more than you dislike P.J. Fleck, not only are you disloyal but your taste is questionable. This was an objectively hilarious outcome.

Iowa vs. Northwestern: I said Iowa 24, Northwestern 17; actual score, Iowa 10, Northwestern 7.

I had a good baseball joke, but everybody on Twitter already made it.

Ohio State at Rutgers: I said Ohio State 37, Rutgers 20; actual score, Ohio State 35, Rutgers 16.

Blind squirrels and acorns, I guess.

My 4-3 performance at least means that I've remained above .500 every week, if barely. For the season I drop to 69-15 (.821).

But just like the limbo, it's all about how low you can go.

You know what? I bet this will actually be a pretty good game. Illinois and Indiana are surprisingly evenly matched and the Hoosiers have rattled off a few good weeks in a row. But since basketball season has started, nobody in either state will care, or even notice. There's also a classic "resistible force/moveable object" dynamic in that the Illini are sub-.500 at home this year, but the Hoosiers are winless on the road. I think the latter outweighs the former; Indiana players will be able to hang with their Purdue buds for New Year's.

Illinois 23, Indiana 21

I'm going to guess nothing will push rural broadband access in Nebraska like this game is going to. The Huskers will beat Maryland to become bowl-eligible. Somewhere in Fremont, a warehouse fills up with NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS 2024 NATIONAL CHAMPIONS merch.

Nebraska 30, Maryland 24

Legitimately one of the best games on the national slate this weekend. Certain to be oversold and hyped up. The undercurrent of suspicion and tension. Will Michigan just lean into its heel persona or is it still going to preserve the kayfabe of the Michigan Man? And is Penn State a real threat to the notion that the Ohio State-Michigan winner will also win the East?

That wasn't even a setup for a joke. I am legitimately wondering these things. But my guess is that Penn State will preemptively put an end to Michigan's heeldom. They're a very good football team and Michigan might not be able to stop them, stolen signs or not.

Penn State 31, Michigan 28

I am about to make a pick that brings me absolutely no pleasure. But facts are facts, Purdue has lost four in a row and is going nowhere. So the Minnesota Golden Gophers shouldn't have too much trouble with them.

Minnesota 34, Purdue 17

Scroll back up and reread my preview of Michigan-Penn State.

Now, in your mind, run as far away from that as you possibly can.

Wisconsin 28, Northwestern 20

It was a feel-good story last week when Michigan State got over on Nebraska. For the players, I mean, and not for the university itself, which keeps reenacting that scene from The Simpsons where Sideshow Bob steps on rake after rake after rake.

Back to life, back to reality. Ohio State gonna roll up Sparty like a wet burrito.

Ohio State 38, Michigan State 10

And that leaves ...

There is simply little left to be said about the 2023 Iowa Hawkeyes. They are, in the words of the late Dennis Green, who we thought they were. Which is what they have always been under Kirk Ferentz. We can lament how one of Phil Parker's very best defenses (and he has had a lot of great defenses) is being wasted on an offense straight out of that old Atari arcade game with the trackballs and the Xs and Os. (If you've ever played that game in a pizza parlor, schedule your colonoscopy.)

Rutgers might be the final boss standing between Iowa and getting curbstomped in Indianapolis, in the sense that the Scarlet Knights have the best offense left on Iowa's schedule, unless there's something about Heinrich Haarberg that I've missed. But in the end, Kinnick magic should work the way it didn't for the Minnesota game. The Hawkeyes are due to outperform people's expectations, and the offense owes one* to the defense.

*: one thousand

Iowa 17, Rutgers 12