Overture, curtains, lights
This is it, the night of nights
No more rehearsing and nursing a part
We know every part by heart

Overture, curtains, lights
This is it, you'll hit the heights
And oh what heights we’ll hit
On with the show this is it!

Tonight what heights we’ll hit!
On with the show this is it!
[Daffy Duck: explodes]

Yes, this is it, the final weekend of the 2024 regular season and a warm up to the Oregon-Ohio State rematch in Indianapolis, unless the whole world goes squeehunky or something. We’ve got all the Big Ten’s traditional heated rivalries this week plus, for some reason, UCLA is playing Fresno State. But I didn’t come here to argue. I only came here to tell you …

PURDUE AT MICHIGAN STATE: I said Michigan State 28, Purdue 12; actual score Michigan State 24, Purdue 17

Purdue is just cursed.

INDIANA AT OHIO STATE: I said Ohio State 34, Indiana 28; actual score Ohio State 38, Indiana 15

Like I said, IU isn’t good enough to win in Columbus yet.

ILLINOIS AT RUTGERS: I said Illinois 24, Rutgers 20; actual score Illinois 38, Rutgers 31

This was probably the best (i.e., most interesting) Big Ten game this past week.

NORTHWESTERN AT MICHIGAN: I said Michigan 34, Northwestern 18; actual score Michigan 50, Northwestern 6

The transmission electron microscope failed to find Northwestern’s offense. Or defense.

PENN STATE AT MINNESOTA: I said Penn State 40, Minnesota 20; actual score Penn State 26, Minnesota 25

Penn State. Is not. A good team.

WISCONSIN AT NEBRASKA: I said Nebraska 24, Wisconsin 17; actual score Nebraska 44, Wisconsin 25

You’d think Wisconsin would have more experience with hangovers.

USC AT UCLA: I said UCLA 26, USC 24; actual score USC 19, UCLA 13

I suppose that's what I get for picking UCLA.

IOWA AT MARYLAND: I said Iowa 17, Maryland 13; actual score Iowa 29, Maryland 13

I told you it doesn’t really matter who’s under center for the Hawkeyes.

That’s 7-1 for week 13, and I am now 100-24 (.806) on the year.

*: you know the drill, all times are Central

I figure this will be one of the more closely fought battles of the weekend. Will P.J. Fleck steal a win on the road and set off Fickelldammerung by keeping the Badgers home for the holidays and unable to practice? Or will Wisconsin pull off the ultimate crab bucket move and say “Minnesota, you’re a 6-6 team, just like us”?

You know how I feel about Fleck: all hat, no cattle. So I’m going with the Badgers.

Wisconsin 24, Minnesota 20

While I wouldn’t call Illinois a team of great consistency this season -- they could beat, or lose to, almost anyone in the conference -- I do think Northwestern is just plain ol’ bad. Last week’s RUTS (Run Up The Score) job against them by Michigan is all the proof you need of that, as the Wildcats simply could not make anything good happen. The Illini are more lucky than good but they’re easily the better team here and it should show.

Illinois 37, Northwestern 13

There are so many ways to look at The Game, which for many years functioned as the de facto Big Ten championship. The most important way to look at it is this: Ohio State’s only loss is to Oregon, the No. 1 team in the nation, and Michigan is (amazingly) winless on the road this season.

This game used to be must-see TV, but I wouldn’t blame you a bit if you watched Illinois-Northwestern instead, even though they’ll both be blowouts.

Ohio State 41, Michigan 14

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This one might be worth watching just to see if Greg Schiano can screw it up even more hilariously than he screwed up last week against Illinois. Michigan State actually has a lot to play for in this game; a win makes Sparty bowl-eligible and secures 13 more practices.

Michigan State has had a tough ride in Jonathan Smith’s first season but it seems to be finding a bit of rhythm and we Iowa fans know they’re a tough team at home, especially if your defense doesn’t show up. I’m on the Aidan Chiles Pretty-Goodness Express; hopefully they can find enough NIL money to keep him around. Rutgers, meanwhile, is just playing out the string. It will show. The Scarlet Knights can be dangerous but they can be dangerously incompetent too.

Michigan State 23, Rutgers 17

Indiana has gotten a lot of grief about its soft schedule, but Penn State’s resume is no better. Last week’s one-point win in Minneapolis just furthered my suspicions that the Nits are wildly overrated. The Drew Allar - Tyler Warren combo is fun to watch but the rest of the team? Pretty average.

Luckily for them (and luck has a lot to do with that No. 4 ranking), Maryland is terrible. I don’t know if the Terps are going to move on from Mike Locksley but it seems he’s taken them about as far as he’s going to. Still, expect Penn State to underwhelm, it’s what they do.

Penn State 30, Maryland 24

This is the football equivalent of one of those greatest hits albums a band puts out because it wants to move on but it still owes the record company one more album. There is nothing for either team to play for here. Fresno State can’t improve its bowl position and UCLA can’t get bowl eligible.

It should be a good game, though, as I judge these two teams to be about on the same level right now. I think UCLA gets it done, but confidence is low.

UCLA 28, Fresno State 23

“When inevitable death is imminent in spite of the means used, it is permitted in conscience to take the decision to refuse forms of treatment that would only secure a precarious and burdensome prolongation of life, so long as the normal care due to the sick person in similar cases is not interrupted. In such circumstances the doctor has no reason to reproach himself with failing to help the person in danger.” -- Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Declaration on Euthanasia (1980)

So if it looks like USC gives up early and resigns itself to the inevitable, please know that it’s not Notre Dame’s problem. Catholic faith does not require them to intervene.

Notre Dame 34, USC 10

Literally all I can say about this game is to call to mind the late Roger Ebert’s review of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, a book about a self-actualized bird that somehow got made into a live action movie. At one point the protagonist crashes to the ground and stumbles around bleeding. That is the point at which Ebert walked out, saying “Who wants to pay to watch birds bleed?”

That is exactly how I feel about this game.

Indiana 42, Purdue 7

When these two teams joined the Big Ten we got their great rivalry, which isn’t quite up there with Ohio State/Michigan, but it’s pretty close. And maybe some year there will even be some suspense in it!

Oregon 38, Washington 20

And that leaves, of course …

I told you last week: it really doesn’t matter that much who’s under center for the Hawkeyes. So I’m not so concerned with Cade McNamara’s status, or whether Marco Lainez would be a better choice than Jackson Stratton. Stratton was perfectly fine last week, and before you fight me on that, which team won the game?

Nebraska is going to a bowl game for the first time since the Mike Riley era. If Matt Rhule sticks to his usual pattern the Huskers will be very, very good next season, and he will leave for another job right afterwards. (Stares at Auburn.) This is a rather average Iowa Hawkeyes team but I still trust the system. You’ll never be disappointed expecting Iowa to go 8-4.

Iowa 20, Nebraska 17