Circle up, everyone. Uncle Mark is going to give you some unsolicited life advice. This advice may turn out to be worth the nothing you paid for it, but I don't think it will, or else I wouldn't offer it.

Are you having trouble making ends meet?

It sounds condescending to say this, but there are two options for solving that problem. First, you can find a Hustle or a Grind to goose your income a little bit until your cash flow turns positive. The second is that you can cut your expenses until your cash flow turns positive. In an ideal world, you'll do at least a little of both. But you have to do one or the other. There is no third option.

Are you frustrated because you can't get everything you want?

You have, essentially, the same two options: work like a dog to get those things (and then fight like a beast to protect them), or just learn how to be happy with fewer things (so long as those things aren't necessities, of course). Again, you will ideally do both, but you have to choose one.

And from the gallery comes the unison shout: "Wow! Thanks so much, Captain Obvious!"

See, here's the thing: In both those scenarios, culture has a clear preference for one option over the other, and it's the one that involves more work for you. Cutting your expenses or learning to be happy with less stuff (which are really the same thing) will get people to call you a weirdo, and it's a horrible way to become an influencer.

But what if it works? Then ... you wind up with money in the bank and a sense of contentment. You win. If you can do it by reducing your demands and lowering your expectations, that victory is just as valid as if you become a billionaire. And frankly, do billionaires seem like a happy, well-adjusted bunch of people to you? Because they sure don't to me.

Anyway, this is the long way to get to this point: I hope Iowa makes it to Indianapolis on the back of somewhere around 286 points. Not because I want to get rid of Brian Ferentz (LOL, he's going nowhere, and this is the offense his dad wants to run) but just because it will make people SO MAD. You don't win games with defense and special teams! You win them with Heisman candidates and 40 points per game!

No. You win them by scoring more points than you give up. That is the only way to win a football game. And if you do that, you will win, every time. The more points you score, the more you can give up; the fewer points you give up, the fewer you have to score. Two sides of the same coin.

The Iowa Hawkeyes are the equivalent of the quiet person at work who drives a Saturn that's now old enough to drink, wears thrift-store clothes, lives in a well-kept trailer out in the country, eats at home every night, looks to all the world like one of the poorest of the poor, and has a net worth somewhere north of $5 million. They keep winning. Yes, it's boring and painful to watch when they have the football. It's typically a thing of beauty when they don't.

But hey, I could be wrong. I often am. As evidence, let me present:

Illinois at Maryland: I said Maryland 40, Illinois 13; actual score, Illinois 27, Maryland 24.

We all know what a snake pit [Alexa, what is the name of Maryland's football stadium?] can be.

Indiana at Michigan: I said Michigan 31, Indiana 14; actual score, Michigan 52, Indiana 7.

I said "beware of a letdown," temporarily forgetting that Indiana is dreadful at football.

UMass at Penn State: I said PSU 56, UMass 0; actual score, PSU 63, UMass 0.

Target practice.

Ohio State at Purdue: I said Ohio State 44, Purdue 10; actual score, Ohio State 41, Purdue 7.

Ryan Day has overcome OSU's slow start, it seems.

Michigan State at Rutgers: I said Rutgers 20, Michigan State 17; actual score, Rutgers 27, Michigan State 24.

I only let AI write the text; the pick and score were up to me.

Iowa at Wisconsin: I said Wisconsin 20, Iowa 16; actual score, Iowa 15, Wisconsin 6.

I was glad to be wrong about this game.

That 4-2 outing takes me down to 58-8 (.879) on the season.

Let's push that number down some more, shall we?

I once had a friend who told me he preferred to think of his apartment as being near a bad neighborhood. I don't know why I think of him every time I think of Indiana football, but I do. Maybe it's because Michael Penix Jr. moved out?

Meanwhile I have no idea if Rutgers is any good or not. The Scarlet Knights have won every game they should have, and they've lost every game they should have. So ... here's to predictability, I guess?

Rutgers 30, Indiana 10

It has to drive both these teams crazy to think that they could win this game and still not be considered in the driver's seat of the Big Ten East. Even more so because Michigan is in that position despite not really playing anybody yet.

Speaking of, except for Iowa (and I'm really pretty sure that game never happened anyway), who has Penn State played? Ohio State has been tested and is at home, so I'm going with the Buckeyes. It'll be a good game!

Ohio State 28, Penn State 23

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Bret Bielema and the Illini surprised the heck out of me last weekend, as Maryland was my Sneaky Good Team of the Year, while Illinois was seeming to transform back into, well, Illinois.

So the temptation is great to think Wisconsin is doomed, having been knocked from the catbird seat by the unruly but inoffensive Hawkeyes. Bielema's teams have always worn swagger well and have to be flying high after that upset.

Except I just don't think Illinois plays defense as well as Iowa does, and the stats back me up, so I'm going with the Badgers, who are a more complete team.

Wisconsin 33, Illinois 18

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Nebraska 38, Northwestern 12

A votive candle is a small candle, typically wider than it is high, usually uncolored and unscented, used in both public worship and personal devotion. One normally lights a votive candle just prior to offering a prayer for something or someone else.

Light one for Michigan State, they're going to need all the help they can get against Michigan.

Michigan 48, Michigan State 13

And that leaves ...

Minnesota fans love to chant "Who hates Iowa?" because they can never beat the Hawkeyes. Like, not at anything. The Minnesota-Iowa rivalry is like the rivalry between fire hydrants and male dogs.

Let them crack wise. Let them tell you the same four jokes that could be about anyplace and laugh their little Gopher heads off. That's as good as it gets when you're a Gopher fan. You have to ruin an Iowa fan's day, because all your days start off ruined.

(Y'all should understand this because I know a lot of you are Bears or Vikings fans and I've heard you talking about the Packers, for pretty much the same reason. Look at you, living vicariously through the Detroit Lions. I'm sure that will end well. GPG.)

Anyway, I'm pretty sure Kirk Ferentz doesn't like P.J. Fleck, so I'm looking for him to unleash what's left of the offense in this one.

Iowa 21, Minnesota 7