*: all times in this column are always Central, as God intended.

Cavoli riscaldati (literally “reheated cabbage”) is an Italian term for the attempt to restart a love affair that has fizzled out. It is also an apt description for the folie a deux (a French term meaning “madness shared by exactly two people”) between Rutgers and Greg Schiano. Schiano is the only coach in living memory to experience success at Rutgers.

That was almost a decade and a half ago, when Rutgers was in the Big East, which still existed as a football conference back then. Since Schiano returned to … wherever Rutgers is, I don’t know and I really don’t care, success has proven elusive; his best season was last year when the Dear Old Rutgers Knights in Scarlet went 7-6 with a Pinstripe Bowl win over Miami (the real one, not the one in the MAC). But he has never finished a season in the Big Ten with more than three conference wins. Will this be the long-sought breakthrough year that forces me to take them seriously? I doubt it.

That being said, I’m pretty sure Rutgers can beat one guy.

Rutgers 35, Howard 17.

Imagine a time traveler from 1988 being told of this game, and being told that it’s a Big Ten versus Big XII matchup. I bet they would still wonder why no one is wearing acid-washed jeans any more.

Penn State is the Minnesota of the (old) Big Ten East. Never the top team, but usually pretty good. (I joke. Penn State is way better than Minnesota, but was never as good as Ohio State or Michigan.) West Virginia, meanwhile, hasn’t been good since Rich Rodriguez left town, which has me …

“Alexa, where is Rich Rodriguez coaching now?”

Jacksonville State? Yikes on bikes. Is that a Division II school?

Wait, what??!? I recant.

I’m going off track because, while this is a great geographic rivalry (though less intense than Pitt-WVU), it’s not likely the Mountaineers will put up more than token resistance to the Nittany Lions.

Penn State 42, West Virginia 13.

Lorem ipsum odor amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Gravida Mike Locksley efficitur luctus quam elit id praesent hac bibendum. Maecenas maximus silly rumors of UConn joining the Big XII hac potenti ante euismod rhoncus, tempus lacinia they deserve each other. Dictum sociosqu mattis habitant perennial Big Ten also-ran lectus fringilla massa quis faucibus.

Feugiat at venenatis elit condimentum, sociosqu potenti gravida elit. Senectus et habitant convallis BLOODY UNWATCHABLE est. Si alea quaestio, vocate 1-800-SPONSIONIBUS-OFF.

Maryland 38, Connecticut 24.

Don't miss out on any of our exclusive football, basketball, and recruiting coverage. Sign up with Hawkeye Beacon here.

Nebraska is Matt Rhule’s third college head coaching gig. He has had a pattern of having a bad first year, a mediocre second year, and then winning ten or eleven games in the third year. Last year’s 5-7 record would, at one time, have been thought of as a fireable offense in Lincoln, but after the Scott Frost era it’s now considered a promising sign. However, Husker faithful hoping for a Matt Rhule speed run should remember that he’s never held any head coaching job for more than four seasons, and if he brings Nebraska back to prominence, some SEC school will throw insane money at him.

But why rain on their parade now? This will be a throwback to the mid-Nineties, when Nebraska’s first games were typically 70-0 laughers.

Nebraska 56, UTEP 10.

(Man, this is starting to feel weird.)

The Chip Kelly experiment is over and the DeShaun Foster era begins. Since the former was a failure, the bar is pretty low for the former Bruin great to bring glory back to Westwood. He’ll square off against former Hawaii great and current head coach Timmy Chang, who has brought the Rainbow Warriors back to … the place they already were, a nice vacation destination/guaranteed win for FBS teams. And not even just the FBS; Northern Iowa will travel to Hawaii this season!

This is a typical Week One college football game, in that it contains zero suspense but it’s welcome anyway because football.

UCLA 37, Hawaii 20.

What’s your college stadium bucket list? Where have you always wanted to go watch a game? There are several on mine, and this game puts one of them in mind.

[No, not Autzen Stadium in Eugene, Oregon, where this game will be played. I've always wanted...] Yeah, I’ve always wanted to watch a game in Idaho's Kibbie Dome. It’s just cool.

Oregon is a dark-horse national title contender this year -- and wouldn't that be great in its first year in the Big Ten? But first they’re going to have to take care of business against the Vandals and, frankly, Oregon doesn’t have a stellar track record against vandals recently.

[Fozzie Bear looking offstage for support dot gif]

Sorry, that was terrible. This game will be too, unless you’re an Oregon fan.

Oregon 69, Idaho 6.

Washington has a new coach and enough new players to enter Ship of Theseus territory.

Weber State has a head coach named Mickey Mental. “I’m sure he’s heard all the jokes,” said the guy with the last name “Hasty.”

I will guess that if any of the new Big Ten teams seems a little off in the season opener, it’ll be the Huskies, but they should be able to take the claws off the Wildcats.

Washington 34, Weber State 20.

The expansion of the Big Ten gives us something we typically haven’t had in Week One: a game worth watching.

It will be interesting to see how USC moves on from the departure of Caleb Williams; my guess is the Trojans will be fine. Or they would be, if their first game wasn’t against an SEC darkhorse, four hours away from campus.

(The Calfornians may now laugh at the thought of getting from USC to Las Vegas in just four hours.)

I’m not a believer in Lincoln Riley. He’s a good coach; I don’t think he’s a great one. Brian Kelly is very good but just this short of great in my book. (Remember that 18-hour period when it looked like he’d be taking over at Iowa State? Good times, good times.) So I don’t think this one is much in doubt.

LSU 27, USC 17.

(Stay tuned for Pickin’ On The Old Big Ten, coming shortly.)