Look, I don't know any polite way to put this, so I'm just going to say it: this 2023 Big Ten football season has been kind of boring.

There are no dominant stars, no compelling storylines, and the biggest upset all year was Ohio State not beating Indiana too badly in Week 1. Otherwise, everything has been strictly chalk all season, and I don't see a lot this week with the potential to change that sad reality.

The back half of the season is very much loaded -- as it should be -- but there's no question these are the Horse Latitudes of the schedule right now. So I'm getting all the games right, aren't I? Well ...

Nebraska at Illinois: I said Illinois 24, Nebraska 20; actual score, Nebraska 20, Illinois 7.

I feel like I should get credit for correctly predicting Nebraska would score 20 points.

Purdue at Iowa: I said Iowa 27, Purdue 23; actual score, Iowa 20, Purdue 14.

Honestly thought the Hawks could push above the Ferentz Line against a non-impressive defense like Purdue's.

Michigan at Minnesota: I said Michigan 41, Minnesota 17; actual score, Michigan 52, Minnesota 10.

I knew it would be a blowout but could not foresee it being 18 points worse than I predicted. Oof, Minnesota.

Howard at Northwestern: I said Northwestern 35, Howard 7; actual score, Northwestern 23, Howard 20.

I said Northwestern should be able to beat one guy and doggone if they almost blew it.

Maryland at Ohio State: I said Ohio State 34, Maryland 24; actual score, Ohio State 34, Maryland 17.

Told you it would be close at the half before OSU pulled away in the second.

Rutgers at Wisconsin: I said Wisconsin 27, Rutgers 13; actual score, Wisconsin 24, Rutgers 13.

The Scarlet Knights' armor froze shut.

That 5-1 record for the week drags me down to 54-6, a nice round .900 on the season. This is the part of the season where I'm fundamentally wrong about one game every week, and I can never predict which one. So let's spin the Wheel of Suck to see what I screw up this weekend.

You read that correctly: this unfrosted Pop-Tart of a football game is on national TV in the early slot.

Michigan just beat Minnesota by six touchdowns on the road. What can Jim Harbaugh et al. do against a demonstrably worse Indiana squad in Ann Arbor?

Underachieve, that's what. This game has "letdown" written all over it. Not that Michigan is in any danger of losing to the Hoosiers, but this final score might be lightly embarrassing for a No. 2-ranked team.

Michigan 31, Indiana 14

The experience of last week's Maryland game probably taught the Ohio State Buckeyes a thing or two about how good a Big Ten also-ran can actually be. I didn't figure the Bucks would blow out the Terps, but I knew there was a lot of fight in the shell-clad amphibians.

[Ed. note: turtles are not amphibians. Who hired this guy? -AJ]

Meanwhile Our Most Hated Rival Purdue gave the Hawkeyes what they didn't want last week (scoring in the double digits), but has been relatively unimpressive all season. So predicting this game is just a matter of whether I feel like Purdue is better than Maryland (LOL, nope), as good as Maryland and thus able to keep it close at halftime (also nope), or worse than Maryland. It's the last of these, obviously, to wit:

Ohio State 44, Purdue 10

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[NOTE: This game preview was written by AI, because I just can't find it in my heart to care about either of these teams any more.]

"This weekend's Michigan State vs. Rutgers football clash promises to be a gridiron showdown as exciting as the infamous 'American Pie.' With both teams looking to satisfy their hunger for a victory, the atmosphere at High Point Solutions Stadium will be electric.

"Much like the movie's memorable cast of characters, these teams have their own star players ready to steal the spotlight. Michigan State's quarterback, a la Jim Levenstein, is eager to lead his team to glory, while Rutgers' defense aims to shut down their opponents like the unruly Stifler. Expect a raucous crowd echoing the spirit of the 'American Pie' parties, igniting the stands with fervor.

"As the teams face off, it's anyone's guess whether Michigan State or Rutgers will get their slice of glory. It's a weekend football feast that promises to be as unpredictable and entertaining as the classic teen comedy, 'American Pie.'"

Yeaahhhh ... I'm not saying what I do is hard, but I don't have to worry about losing this gig to AI any time soon.

Rutgers 20, Michigan State 17

"Revenge is a dish best served cold, a week later, to a completely different team that couldn't beat a drum if they were locked in Guitar Center for the night." -- Mike Locksley, probably.

Maryland 40, Illinois 13

[State College, PA, several years ago]

"Hey boss, the alumni have a suggestion."
"Yeah, what is it?"
"It just says 'Play UMass.'"
"Okay. Draw up the contract and call their AD, let's make it happen.

[a little later]

"You don't think they meant we should play the Pixies song over the PA, do you?"
"Nah."
"Why not?"
"Because if you're going to play one Pixies song at a football game, it should be 'Debaser.'"
"Good point. Anyway, they signed the contract."

Penn State 56, UMass 0

And, of course:

We're all friends here, so I'll level with you: I've had this game penciled in as a loss for Iowa since preseason. Wisconsin isn't nearly as good as I thought it could be in Luke Fickell's first season, but I haven't seen anything to change my mind.

Camp Randall is a tough place to win, especially if your team isn't quite as good as the Badgers. I can break down matchups and key players if you want but it just seems to me like Iowa can't win this game, this year, with this offense, no matter how good the defense and special teams are.

I don't see the Badgers leaving any daylight for Iowa's opportunistic brand of football. I do think the Hawkeye offense will have better days than it had against Purdue; I just think beating Wisconsin in Madison is a tall order.

Sure isn't ten points tall, though.

Wisconsin 20, Iowa 16